Some times the desire for something ~~ annnnnnnything ~~ to happen, shoots streams of sensation into the lower extremities of my body until I feel mad with passion and the only temporary relief I can muster up the courage for is hands on, which barely registers to the fantasies that come along with it.
I don’t necessarily mean in the sexual nature either, though they are there and they are wicked. More the desire to vomit up my inner world into the outer with full expression of the chaos that resides, and the feeling that only a meniscus of doubt keeps the massive flow of energy from realizing itself. The energy that bounces through out, that pulses and burns with unresolved tension; words left unsaid, smiles left unsmiled, boogey woogeys left unboogey woogeyed, what ever the fuck (fucks left unfucked, too). Whatever remains unexpressed is shouldered in the confines of body and soul, and my shoulders are aching.
It is not as though ~ that all life is pain and suffering ~ but there is no remedy required for the joyful, ecstatic spaces of time and mind that separate the crises that are undefined and buried. Let those continue without boundaries! I say. Only illusions of grandeur keep guard to the reality that presses forward, that everything, and nothing, matters – all is one and the same! Every thing said or done by you is done by me! ~~ The separation of another, nothing more than ego stating its case. I find comfort in these thoughts, assured that my fears of expression are futile and selfish, as only the ego can be.
Bringing me to the point, and pointlessness, of this blog – to share my inner world with the outer, which is nothing new but new to me. I’m so far touring the west coast of the U.S on my bicycle, alone for now (but oh I would love to ride with another!), and will be writing whatever comes to mind; I do my best thinking on my bicycle. My first real destination is the Redwood forest in N.Cal, and there lies a flurry of question marks and ‘ohhh shit what am I doing”s, split decisions based on what I hope is intuition and not insanity, with focus on cultivating an open heart. A free mind does not, nor does a free spirit, equal a free heart, something that needs differentiating though they are all connected. A closed mind doesn’t know the heart is closed, so therein lies the power of the free mind, and a free spirit is aware of both and needs only a direction.
I am writing this entry sheltered in a cemented open-space area in downtown Port Angeles, and I’m not really sure why it exists but it is loved nonetheless. Today was the first rain in the area in over a month, (giggle giggle smirk) so though the spot lacks any life at all save the signs of – cigarette butts, wrappers, and graffiti – the roof stops the rain from falling on my keyboard so I am blessed. I got off the ferry from Victoria this afternoon with the intention of making it to Forks, Twilight fans rejoice, but had doubts about leaving town as the day grew shorter and wetter without all of the comforts I wanted to buy, and so decided to spend the night in town. I remind my self that there is no hurry to get any where, and to examine any doubts I have in the process, because ultimately any indecision in life is the precursor of denying intuitive thought. Oh we already know.
I felt the urgency to start this blog, content and appearance be damned, so at the very least I have a point of focus on which to operate on. So now that I’ve dipped my toe into the proverbial sea, I’m going to stake out a spot to pitch my tent for the night, meander through town, and see what the evening brings.