a lover that never was, was better than

I guess you could call it a missed connection
I mean, I did say Hi once
mostly it was me bumping into his flesh and bone expression
far too frequently for it to be anything other than
divine timing
or so my romantically delusional mind
would have me believing

oh, but there was this FEELING
when we locked eyes for that first time
the memory so fleeting
still sends a visceral response in my being

I can count on a few fingers the times when
an object of fascination
returned the feeling of really being seen
a sense of satisfaction that I lap up
as an insatiable savoring of flavor that displaces
any rational outrospective behaviours
that would contribute to two people meeting

like when we locked eyes
I left that room as fast as I could
and every time after that
though I could feel him feeling
his eyes revealing
what was going on

love lust fear
the truth that all idealization of another
is a recipe for disaster, given that
they’re better in illusion
fuck, I’m better in illusion
so I stay illusive
when given the opportunity
to indulge my romantic inclinations I
run the other way
and stay in my imagination
until years later when I think of this being
and question why I didn’t at least
reveal my amounting curiosity and desire
instead of running to another
disappointing romantic reality
years later

I’m being hard on myself
i’ve had plenty of experiences being with
men who could never meet me in a moment
like the muse I still admire
men who are safe because they’ll never be able to match my heartbeat
rhythm and flow with my spirit, my soul
men I’ll never have to commit to because they’ll never see me
never be one with me, moreso

penning these words
sends off the impression of a womban with a heart
that breaks often
from deceptive romanticism to lamenting
on those who could never be
who could never be a match for me
but I’m getting it out and
out of the way
to free up the space, the truth of my nature
sexual, hungry, with a desire of revealing
the deep nurturing of my being
through the intensity of my feelings
to a lover that neither bends nor breaks
but dissolves
with their own passionate revealings

maybe we’ll meet in each other’s imagination
and neither will be afraid to fully feel the sensations
that emanate when
two people are
attracted
we’ll revel in our equally decided disdain for this common
reality where
two eyes too often conceal
what’s really going on, inside
and we’ll hold each other up while holding oneself accountable
for being who they really are in all ways
at least, that’s how i imagine us meeting

strength is found in the vulnerable

a lot of old and buried wounds have been surfacing lately
triggers from the outside world reminding me that all of the experiences of my life are woven into the fabric of my being
my bones, my flesh, the sinew and muscle
the soft and gooey bits, the firm and unfaltering

I used to be really afraid of painful memories and the emotions that came with
and maybe now I’m just a little bit afraid
but mostly I see how every painful memory is stored somewhere in this
flesh and bone expression
and when it comes up into my mind, my awareness
and I feel that tightness in my chest, or the quivering of my lips,
leaky eyes
it is actually an opportunity to dig really, really deep
and face it
to not hold onto it or identify with it, but to surrender to that same pain that
I was not strong enough to endure
at the time of said making-of-the-memory

I see all of the traumatic events of my existence
unfolding in due time
always to be recognized, to be processed, to be let go of

too often those memories have surfaced and I have not been
strong enough to let them go
and so they stay buried
nestled in my smile, my eyes, my heart
the creases in my hands, the roundness of my hips
my browline

and they end up as all the bits I don’t like about myself

but emotions really are just energy in motion
and so the movement of my body
the poking and tapping and prodding
of all the bits of my physical expression
coaxes the body to release
and allow for all the bottled up feelings
to surface up to the mind
and when I can recognize that the memory is just that,
a memory
I can make the decision to be completely and totally
vulnerable to it
to let light be shed on the ugliest layers of my self
and release it
or I can decide to bury it deeper, for later
for when it inevitably resurfaces again

so if nothing else today,
I can be brave enough
to be vulnerable with my self
and with you
and recognize that life is filled with pain and suffering
but I don’t have to let that
take over the narration of my story

every moment is an opportunity
to get really, really real
and there is incredible freedom
in being totally, authentically
vulnerable
to your experience

it is a big and wide and courageous journey
to take!

life lives through us

lol, it’s amazing!
that one does not have to actively pursue life
Alex_Grey_Vision_Tree.jpgto strive, to strain, to muscle and bone
and force It to be this way or that

it’s really more of an
allowing
a surrendering entirely to the flow
mmm,
simply allowing Life to be lived through the self

Life, a fully conscious and vast being that
resides in all of us!!
whoa!

can you imagine if the stories that ride out the course
of our lives
did not fuse themselves in sinew and muscle
to become the parts of us that we hate
but
moved through
with an eloquence that really spoke
of the impermanence of all experience

not being attached to the this and that
the goodbyes and the hellos of old and new
simply, observing – witnessing – allowing

it’s easy to speak of it, to write about it! lol, this whole
surrendering to life to one’s life path
surrendering to the intrinsic knowing that
one cannot control it

it’s harder, sure
to trust that it’s all unfolding
entirely perfect
the traumatic, the ecstatic
all experiences
simply showing us, reminding us
of our only true
identity
One Love, One Earth, One Family

like, just step out of the way of your own goddang limited perception of who ya think ye are! why the fuck not!

but hey — I’ll See You There, when we’re ready !!

lead from the heart

universe_person-1675

lead from the heart
and the rest will follow

sometimes fear gets lodged
in the space between the shoulder blades
and the shoulders round forward
to protect the sadness
in the heart

the vulnerability of
being alive

and over time

the head juts forward
and
the diaphragm restricts
the movement of breath
from reaching those spaces
in the body that
are confined in the threads
of being deeply
misunderstood so many times

and they become
rigid
tight
weak
an unfortunate identity of
who the mind thinks the
spirit is

the body,
a storybook of the journey
so far

the body, a manifestation

and
until the story is over, one is here
to discover what the body
is concealing under
all of the layers
that feel so confining

and each breath
every single one
is an opportunity to be brave

to direct the story

to loosen the threads of rigidity
to peel back
and discover what the heart can let go of

in times of remembrance,
to take a deep inhale into the belly
to place both hands on the chest and gently command
it to open
to expand the heart forward
peeling the shoulders back and down

to just fill up!
taking up so much space
so. much. space

deflating like a balloon on the exhale

maybe noticing
how the diaphragm expands
when the heart is leading

how much easier it is to breathe

and maybe sending each full breath
to the sadness, to the fear, to the pain
that confines the body

and
maybe those strands loosen
maybe some space is made
just maybe
one can feel what can be let go of

the heart
so soft, fluid, light
expansive
free and ever loving
cannot lead if
it is buried

and joy dwells in the space in-between

as soon as you know better

find your purpose
find yourself, on purpose
find yourself a porpoise
don’t delay!
click now and
find your life’s porpoise

porpoise

phew, woke up again this morning
without a clear idea in my mind’s eye
as to why i ought to grace the cold, hardwood floor
with the bareness of my feet

i list off some of the things that i’ll play no particularly
influential role in today
~ overthrowing tyrannical and destructive government bodies
~ saving the human family from itself by irradicating division; fear and hate mongering
~ teaching the divine wisdom of the earth to all and thereby preventing the further annihilation of every other living being on the planet

well, fuck
shit
‘find your purpose, find what gets you out of bed in the morning’
fuck
the world’s on fire
and what’s my purpose

where’s my phone?
i scan the still-dark room
and spot it plugged-in on the other side
i lean as far over as i can without getting
out of bed
and nudge it with the tip of my finger
nudge, nudge
til it’s close enough to palm
and i feel the familiar cold weight

‘don’t let a moment slip away’
scroll, click
‘start your morning with this routine and fix your life forever’
scroll, scroll
click
‘3,000 displaced people seek refuge amongst hate and public outcry in border town’
scroll
click
‘another innocent man gunned down for wearing black skin’
scroll
‘karen had pizza for dinner’ mmm what kind? oh, pineapple
scroll
scroll
‘nation’s old-growth forests dwindle to 7%, continue to decline’
scroll

get out of bed
get out there and live your purpose

7.7 billion people are living and dying right now
their realities bump and collide and swirl, connected just by being
the overwhelming majority just a
passing face on the street, in the news
a sweeping generalization
a judgement, a bias
a peripheral glance

most are just holding on, surviving
and
what’s your purpose for getting up this morning?

i blink into the dawn of the day
cascading in from behind the curtains
and i sigh, and i groan, and i smile

my purpose today
it’s not grandiose
it’ll never make it as a headline
or as a youtube vid
it’s simply that
i can change my heart and mind at any time
about anything at all
and it’s imperative that i do!
that’s a real fucking thing to work on today!
to change
one’s heart and one’s mind

it’s a fine mission today!

to
move and shift
with grace and intention
in even the smallest of acts
to
observe one’s judgements
and feel what it is to connect
the lies in the mind to the truths of the heart
and to do away with them

to
look for the thread of connection
in the minute, in the average, in the routine
to find a new eye in which to see
it all more clearly

on the surface
it doesn’t feel like an enormous thing to
find purpose in
today, no
but can you fucking imagine
if everyone felt their purpose today
was to change their heart and their mind

i reckon that’s how it goes down
that some dude out there
puts down the gun
that some gal out there
deletes her hate-filled words
that some drumpf out there
has this change of heart and mind
so huge that
it ripples through the threads that connect us all

that
as soon as they know better
they’ll change their heart, they’ll change their mind

(salvation!)

can you just imagine!

“time flies when you’re …”

yeah, that takes time’

my eyebrows raised in response
to the deadpan look on his face
and i let out what could only be described
as a guffaw

‘heh hmm, yes, that it does’

our time together
was drawing to a close
having just spent the week in the presence of
this intriguing human whose heart and soul
were just so obvious, so open
whereas the man in the middle of both
was evasive and cloaked in
a mystery only an introvert
can really wear

‘it would be really nice to get to know you better’

i had said it with honesty
and with the expected niceties
when in the presence of an acquaintance
and maybe with an expectation
that he’d agree
but i just wound up feeling humbled
by his simple truth

it takes time

and it’s funny because
i’ve grown up in a culture that wants it all
now
the quick fix
the one weekend
workshop to find enlightenment
30 minutes or less, skip the dishes
a brief exchange of words and pictures
via the
latest dating app
one more meme to post
so someone else can catch a glimpse
of a feeling

and it’s not really funny
because
the true value
of presence
is so easily
lost to another episode of
the latest netflicks binge
and cellphone scroll through meal-time
and it’s
driving this culture
to anxiety and depression
where the past lingers
and the future looms
and the here and now
is only casually glimpsed
in a moment when one forgets to
disengage from their self

and i wonder how
anyone ever finds the time
to be anywhere else

it was an afterthought
days after our exchange
that i had a moment where
i wanted to come back to him and
tell him that
i didn’t need to get to know the man
between the heart and the soul
that the truth would lie
in the moments where
I knew myself

for to know myself
would be to know all of creation
and that
i could see Him anyways
beyond our stories of past and future

if i just allowed for stillness
i could know myself
i could know him

if i just allowed for stillness

so, i don’t know
maybe
to truly know someone, something
the hows and whys
the real journey, the real story
the real reason
maybe that kind of knowing can
only Be
within the
absence of time

and that,
that is everpresent
~~~~

have you ever experienced the
timelessness
of meeting another’s eyes
and recognizing each other’s
presence
in the present

a witnessing of all this glorious
oneness?

i live for that