4/99 ~ if nothing else, feelings can change

woke up today feeling really rather shitty

the kind where it’s like

man, i just woke up

what could have gone wrong



and every interaction this morning

was just


from the first cup of coffee to

the last line in my journal

even a brisk morning walk against a backdrop of

golden oranges and brilliant reds

wet yellow leaves

couldn’t get me shaking this feeling


i frowned my way to the yoga studio

and cried and moaned

and opened my hips

it felt so good to feel the pain of

relaxing into the clenched and constricted bits

i had to jelly walk home

with swinging hips and a loose caboose

and a furrowed brow


the dogs, well those dogs

i can always count on them to bowl me over with joy

when i get home

but i say ‘down doodle, down. get down’ though i want him to

consume me whole with his eccentric adoration

i can always count on him

to love me anyways


‘so you guys want to go for a walk. when i’m ready, we’ll go’

but they look up at me with jaws hanging open, panting

ears pointed in prepartion to hear me say okay, let’s go

they’re underfoot until i do, so


‘okay, let’s go. put your leash on. no? okay, fine. i’ll do it’

and we’re off

and i feel so rotten

like i look at the sky and shake my head at the contrast

from just yesterday

i yank their leashes as they yank my arms


the rain starts falling. i look up at the trees overhead

and recall times before when i would feel

incredible ecstasy

such joy

in remembering that i was alive

and connected to all that surrounds

i could look up at the trees

and feel full in my heart

the stress of trying to achieve or be or do anything

would melt away

and i was free


the same furrowed brow and i

recalled that feeling as though

far removed from here and now

is it really just so simple to feel like that?


and it really was just like that

that i start laughing


hysterically, tears prickling the corners of my eyes

the events of the day so far, playing over in my mind

all the more ridiculous. absurd!

it was me coming to the realization that i was walking around

in a self-induced pit of despair

for no particular reason


and  my storm began parting

my eyes softened, my heart

and i noticed the nuances in the clouds

and how the raindrops felt on my cheeks

how the dogs lapped up new scents with such

present wonder

and i remembered i could feel that too


and i did

and i laughed some more


it’s just a choice.


i can change my feelings,

if nothing else


if nothing else.