a lover that never was, was better than

I guess you could call it a missed connection
I mean, I did say Hi once
mostly it was me bumping into his flesh and bone expression
far too frequently for it to be anything other than
divine timing
or so my romantically delusional mind
would have me believing

oh, but there was this FEELING
when we locked eyes for that first time
the memory so fleeting
still sends a visceral response in my being

I can count on a few fingers the times when
an object of fascination
returned the feeling of really being seen
a sense of satisfaction that I lap up
as an insatiable savoring of flavor that displaces
any rational outrospective behaviours
that would contribute to two people meeting

like when we locked eyes
I left that room as fast as I could
and every time after that
though I could feel him feeling
his eyes revealing
what was going on

love lust fear
the truth that all idealization of another
is a recipe for disaster, given that
they’re better in illusion
fuck, I’m better in illusion
so I stay illusive
when given the opportunity
to indulge my romantic inclinations I
run the other way
and stay in my imagination
until years later when I think of this being
and question why I didn’t at least
reveal my amounting curiosity and desire
instead of running to another
disappointing romantic reality
years later

I’m being hard on myself
i’ve had plenty of experiences being with
men who could never meet me in a moment
like the muse I still admire
men who are safe because they’ll never be able to match my heartbeat
rhythm and flow with my spirit, my soul
men I’ll never have to commit to because they’ll never see me
never be one with me, moreso

penning these words
sends off the impression of a womban with a heart
that breaks often
from deceptive romanticism to lamenting
on those who could never be
who could never be a match for me
but I’m getting it out and
out of the way
to free up the space, the truth of my nature
sexual, hungry, with a desire of revealing
the deep nurturing of my being
through the intensity of my feelings
to a lover that neither bends nor breaks
but dissolves
with their own passionate revealings

maybe we’ll meet in each other’s imagination
and neither will be afraid to fully feel the sensations
that emanate when
two people are
attracted
we’ll revel in our equally decided disdain for this common
reality where
two eyes too often conceal
what’s really going on, inside
and we’ll hold each other up while holding oneself accountable
for being who they really are in all ways
at least, that’s how i imagine us meeting

as soon as you know better

find your purpose
find yourself, on purpose
find yourself a porpoise
don’t delay!
click now and
find your life’s porpoise

porpoise

phew, woke up again this morning
without a clear idea in my mind’s eye
as to why i ought to grace the cold, hardwood floor
with the bareness of my feet

i list off some of the things that i’ll play no particularly
influential role in today
~ overthrowing tyrannical and destructive government bodies
~ saving the human family from itself by irradicating division; fear and hate mongering
~ teaching the divine wisdom of the earth to all and thereby preventing the further annihilation of every other living being on the planet

well, fuck
shit
‘find your purpose, find what gets you out of bed in the morning’
fuck
the world’s on fire
and what’s my purpose

where’s my phone?
i scan the still-dark room
and spot it plugged-in on the other side
i lean as far over as i can without getting
out of bed
and nudge it with the tip of my finger
nudge, nudge
til it’s close enough to palm
and i feel the familiar cold weight

‘don’t let a moment slip away’
scroll, click
‘start your morning with this routine and fix your life forever’
scroll, scroll
click
‘3,000 displaced people seek refuge amongst hate and public outcry in border town’
scroll
click
‘another innocent man gunned down for wearing black skin’
scroll
‘karen had pizza for dinner’ mmm what kind? oh, pineapple
scroll
scroll
‘nation’s old-growth forests dwindle to 7%, continue to decline’
scroll

get out of bed
get out there and live your purpose

7.7 billion people are living and dying right now
their realities bump and collide and swirl, connected just by being
the overwhelming majority just a
passing face on the street, in the news
a sweeping generalization
a judgement, a bias
a peripheral glance

most are just holding on, surviving
and
what’s your purpose for getting up this morning?

i blink into the dawn of the day
cascading in from behind the curtains
and i sigh, and i groan, and i smile

my purpose today
it’s not grandiose
it’ll never make it as a headline
or as a youtube vid
it’s simply that
i can change my heart and mind at any time
about anything at all
and it’s imperative that i do!
that’s a real fucking thing to work on today!
to change
one’s heart and one’s mind

it’s a fine mission today!

to
move and shift
with grace and intention
in even the smallest of acts
to
observe one’s judgements
and feel what it is to connect
the lies in the mind to the truths of the heart
and to do away with them

to
look for the thread of connection
in the minute, in the average, in the routine
to find a new eye in which to see
it all more clearly

on the surface
it doesn’t feel like an enormous thing to
find purpose in
today, no
but can you fucking imagine
if everyone felt their purpose today
was to change their heart and their mind

i reckon that’s how it goes down
that some dude out there
puts down the gun
that some gal out there
deletes her hate-filled words
that some drumpf out there
has this change of heart and mind
so huge that
it ripples through the threads that connect us all

that
as soon as they know better
they’ll change their heart, they’ll change their mind

(salvation!)

can you just imagine!